[Shattered] Refrain 20

Track Twenty – Archer/Kyle – What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house.

That don’t bother me.

He tried to ignore the fact that his room was just on the other side of the wall from Cid’s, but it was rather difficult at the present, considering all the noise that he could hear. It wasn’t that they were loud per se or that the bed squeaked in specific intervals, just that it was far too quiet in his room, allowing other sounds to filter to his hearing as he tossed and turned, not quite able to go to sleep. His mind was locked in a battle between worry and fear about the battle the next day, about regrets he didn’t know whether he should voice or not.

It was raining, that much he noticed. The steady sound of the rain striking against the hull of the airship was the only other noise in his room, other than the sounds of lovemaking floating through steel walls. It hadn’t rained in a while, but now, it seemed that it didn’t want to stop, as if Gaia herself knew of the battle that was going to take place and the battle raging in his heart.

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out.

I’m not afraid to cry every once in awhile,

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me.

He really had no one to blame but himself. He had been the one to make the mistakes. He had been the one to walk away from the best thing that had ever happened to him. So if he was in misery, he couldn’t even point the finger and place the guilt elsewhere. In many ways, that made it hurt even more, to know that he had fucked himself up.

He should have known better and really he did. Cid’s trust was a delicate thing, more fragile than he gave it credit for. All that he had suffered and how many people had betrayed or left him, and yet, Archer had shattered that trust, as if it meant nothing to him. Years of a relationship down the drain all because he couldn’t shake his own jealousy and envy. And yes, perhaps there was some resentment as well.

It occurred to him, as he curled up on his bed and stared blankly at the undecorated wall, that he was brooding again, which seemed to be occurring a lot more lately. Where had the happy, optimistic Archer gone? When had he started finding comfort in the dark and dreary?

It was like he and Valentine had switched places. Sooner or later he would be the one called “Vampy.” Maybe then Cid would take him back.

Not that Archer had wished for such a thing.

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay.

But that’s not what gets me.

Tiamat had ventured a belief that perhaps they were not meant to be. That there was someone else out there for him, a soul mate, if he chose to believe in such things himself. And maybe she was right. But for the moment, that thought was little consolation from the pain welling deep inside of him.

Another moan, a murmured response, and Archer had had enough. He jumped out of the bed, grabbed a shirt from the floor and left his room without any destination in mind. So long as he didn’t have to lay there any longer and listen to the sound of his heart shattering into a million pieces, even though it was broken already. And he had no one to blame but himself.

Did he still love Cid?

He wondered as he padded down the empty corridors, aimlessly selecting paths and turning around when he encountered a dead end. For a moment, he wished he smoked cigarettes because they might have been the only thing that would calm his frazzled nerves. Normally not a man given to moments of broody and contemplative thought, he felt tilted from his world axis and wasn’t sure how to handle true depression and not his fake attempts at it.

What hurts the most was being so close.

And having so much to say. And watching you walk away.

Maybe the Myst Dragon was right after all, correct that he was only jealous of the others, which was why he desired something that was never going to be again. Nearly everyone around him was married or had someone in mind. To be honest, he couldn’t think of a single person in their little group that wasn’t otherwise interested. It was quite pitiful. And the one person he even considered, turned out to be a traitor. How’s that for fairness?

He shivered briefly, bare feet padding over the bare aluminum, as a flash of cold air washed over his body from the vent he had just passed under. He noticed how very lonely it was. He could hear the whirring of the propellers, the steady thrum of the engine, his own footsteps softly echoing, but otherwise, it was solemnly silent. Lonely. Kind of like he was.

And never knowing what could’ve been.

And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.

However, he had irreparably lost his chance with Cid forever. He and Vincent were happy together, as much as they were perfect for each other. He was no one to get in the way of that, not even a close friend. He had lost that privilege as well when he turned his back on his lover.

He had initially made it his responsibility to watch over Cid after the battle with Sephiroth because he felt he owed it to the blond. Little did he know how much of the past that would bring up in him, how much it would hurt. But he had more pride and dignity than to try and win back his ex while the man was hurting. He wasn’t that desperate. If he could somehow ease that pain, even if only a little, he felt that perhaps he could be forgiven for his past transgression.
Archer made his way out onto the deck for no other reason than the empty halls were really starting to make him feel a little insane. It was slightly chilly, as it always was above the clouds, even during the summer seasons. He made his way to the railing, admiring the moon in the sky, thoughts turning back to the past, when he had first met Cid ten years ago.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. But I’m doing it.

The blond had been a mechanic and machinist for the ShinRa army for four years, joining up the moment he turned eighteen. Before that, he had been working for a mechanic two years after leaving home. He and Cid just happened to be working on the same project, a precursor to the Highwind and Gelnika brand airships. He had been attracted to Cid’s enthusiasm; Cid had just needed someone to appreciate him.

After several tentative trips to the bar, where Cid had drunkenly professed his sexuality and reason for leaving home, their relationship had begun. It was not exactly a fairy tale story, but neither had really expected that from life. They had discovered they had a lot in common, other than their love for engineering and machination. It hadn’t been long before Archer had fallen in love, bright blue eyes always dreaming of something more.

It’s hard to force that smile when I see your old friends and I’m alone.

Still harder…

To the world, they had come off as best friends since, at the time, homosexual relationships weren’t widely accepted. At least, not within the ShinRa military ranks. But they had been happy.

That had been until Palmer approached Cid with the thought that there was a power source somewhere in space. Everything that he had been hoping for was going to come true. Except that it had involved a move to Rocket Town, where most of the construction would take place. Archer himself had been trying to work his way up the ShinRa ladder at the time with little success.
They had fought; they had argued; they had said things they didn’t mean. And in the end, Cid had packed up his bags and left.

Archer could confess it to himself now, but then, he had placed the blame entirely on Cid. It was completely his fault because he wouldn’t stay. It was entirely his fault because he refused to give up his dreams for what they had had.

In truth, he had just been a selfish prick. And admittedly, he had been insanely jealous. He was older than Cid; he had been with ShinRa longer. Yet, it had been Cid who was a success. It just wasn’t fair, and he had hoped that Cid would choose him over the chance. He should have known better and should have never tried to make him choose.

Now, he didn’t blame the blond. And when he heard of the failure of the initial launch, he had been devastated himself, especially knowing that Cid must have been crushed. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and make the call. That would have been admitting he had been wrong, and his pride just wouldn’t let him do it, especially since he still hadn’t made it like he planned. He had still been just a grunt.

He had dated on and off after that relationship, but he never could find anyone special. Perhaps he was just torturing himself with his own mistakes, but he never found anyone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

And now, here he was ten… no… eleven years after the fact, still pining for a love that he shouldn’t have let go. It really was rather pathetic, but that didn’t make it any less painful.

Getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret.

But I know, if I could do this over…

A chill spread up his spine then as a particularly chilly breeze ruffled at his shirt. It was getting colder out, and a light spattering of rain began to fall. He sighed at his lack of luck, quickly heading indoors before the downpour made him too sick to fight. They would need Tiamat and him in the battles to come, and dreading returning to his room, he made his way to the common area, seeking a cup of warm coffee at least.

There were a lot of things he still hadn’t said, apologies that he needed to say, not that he thought they would actually make a difference. It would be a lot easier if he weren’t so alone and surrounded by couples. He had no one to turn to, and the nights were cold… lonely. Even for someone as perpetually optimistic as him, well, there was a limit to the pep and sunshine.

I would trade, give away, for the words that I saved in my heart.

That I left unspoken.

Words played in his mind, moments of heated discussion and passionate memories that seemed to cycle on and on. What could have been if he hadn’t been so stupid and selfish. What would never be again.

That was probably the hardest part of all.

– – – –

“Tell me about Archer.”

Cid frowned. “Why?”

The gunman shrugged, snuggling down closer to his lover. “Because I want to know. He seems like a nice guy.”

“Well, he was.” Cid sighed. “You really want to know?”

“I told you about Lucrecia.”

“That’s different.”

“Cid.”

“Fine, fine, whatever.” The pilot laid back against the bed as he thought about it, unconsciously rubbing one calloused palm against Vincent’s scarred back. “I met him when I was twenty-two, and I suppose you could say it was lust at first sight. Took a while to realize he was attracted to me though, I still wasn’t really used to the whole gay thing.”

Vincent laughed. “You say that like it’s a religious movement or something.”

Cid shot him a baleful stare. “Do you want to hear about Archer or not?”

The gunman shook his head, waving a hand of dismissal. “Continue, please.”

“Whatever.” Cid grunted. “We were together for three years. Come to think of it, it was his brilliant idea for us to go see Loveless.” He snorted then as he chuckled. “I fell asleep. Too damn boring for me. Anyways, when ShinRa came to me with plans for a Space Program, we broke up.”

Vincent raised a brow. “That’s it? No other reason?”

“He didn’t want to leave Midgar for Rocket Town. I wasn’t going to give up on my dreams. It’s as simple as that.”

“Is it?”

Cid grunted in response, clearly not pleased with the line of questioning. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Vincent smiled, knowing that his lover was being deliberately vague. People always accused him of being tight-lipped, but sometimes, the pilot had him beat.

“Did you love him?”

“What the hell kinda question is that?” Cid spluttered. “What does it matter anymore? That’s the past; this is now!”

“Relax, chief. I’m not jealous just… curious.”

The blond snorted. “Your idea of curious frightens me.”

Vincent trailed a finger down a lightly hairy chest, brushing briefly over a dusky nipple. “I won’t ask anymore questions then.”

“What brought this up anyways?”

The gunman shrugged. “Something in the air, I suppose. It doesn’t matter anymore.” He leaned upwards, quickly claiming the blond’s lips with his own.

“No,” Cid mumbled into the kiss. “I guess it doesn’t.”

[Shattered] Refrain 19

Track Nineteen – Archer Kyle – Move Along

For once, it wasn’t quiet in my workshop. I had foregone the use of all loud equipment, mostly in the beginning stages of my design, and to fill the silence, I had turned on the radio. Though I wondered why I had bothered considering it seemed to be playing nothing but sad and angsty music, and I was trying to escape from those consuming feelings.

While my hands busied themselves with yet another metal project, amongst a string of others, I allowed my mind to drift. This place was my solace, my place for renewal, if you will. Surrounded by the smell of machinery and metal, hunched over a workshop desk and perched atop a stool.

Cid never really understood that. He enjoyed noise and movement, constantly keeping his hands busy.

Perhaps then, he was just too young and his dreams kept him in a state of constant motion. He was always like that then. He didn’t want to settle down for even a moment. I can still remember how brightly his eyes shone when he talked to me about everything. I can still see his enthusiasm when he first told me about the Space Program.

But most of all, I can still remember the look on his face when I turned into a bastard and forced him to choose between his dreams and me. I’m somewhat glad that he picked the stars because they certainly have never failed him. I’m even happier that he finally was able to launch the ShinRa No. 26, even if it did eventually become little more than a cloud of debris in space.

The song on the radio changed suddenly, shifting from the low, soft rock beats that seemed to permeate the entire broadcast into something more positive, immediately attracting my attention.
”Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking. When you fall, everyone stands.”

A smile curled up at the corner of my mouth. Wasn’t that I was doing? Just sitting here and wasting time, thinking of should haves and could haves?

It was somewhat ironic, and for that reason alone, I started listening more closely to the lyrics.

“Another day and you’ve had your fill of sinking. With the life held in your hands are shaking cold. These hands are meant to hold.”

I looked down at my own hands then, wondering if the words even applied to me. Hands were meant to hold?

Frankly, my hands held little more than metal and weapons recently. I do not usually lack for companionship, but after ShinRa fell the first time and I became consumed with aiding both Reeve and Cid, it was rather difficult to meet people. Nor did it really seem the proper time to be looking for romance, at least not the permanent kind. I couldn’t really find anyone that evoked a response. I suppose that is the best word I could use.

“Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong. Move along, move along like I know you do.”

Those lyrics reminded me of something that my mother once used to say.

She was a brilliant woman. People who knew us always said that I got my eyes and my intelligence from her. The rest was a gift from my dad. Anyways, she was an architect, much like Reeve except that her buildings of choice were on a more personal level. She built homes and small businesses, and there were even a few times she aided in the restoration of some older buildings.

It was probably her who instilled in me the love of science and mathematics. Dad was the one who taught me how to fight. He wasn’t a soldier or anything; he just ran a little dojo in Costa del Sol, teaching Kendo and Martial Arts to the local children. He even had a class for the adults at night. It’s not there anymore. He retired and passed it on to one of his students, but when Mikal died, his wife had the building torn down and sold the land.

“And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through. Move along. Move along.”

We weren’t rich, not like Cid and Reeve’s families, but we lived comfortable lives. And most of all, we were happy. I don’t have any brothers and sisters because mom nearly died giving birth to me. They couldn’t risk another child, so they contented themselves with spoiling me rotten, not that I minded. I never really lacked for anything, and I certainly didn’t lack for love.

“So a day when you’ve lost yourself completely could be a night when your life ends.”

Both of my parents always supported me in everything that I did, even if I wasn’t always as smart as the others around me. I’m not a fool; I know that I have my limits. Reeve is assuredly far more intelligent than me, and as for Cid, I do not know if it was his drive or simply that he had more brainpower that made him succeed more quickly. Probably a mixture of both. I’m not stupid by any means, smarter than the average person, but there are plenty others above me. And that doesn’t really bother me.

“Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving. All the pain held in your hands are shaking cold. Your hands are mine to hold.”

The song though… it reminded me a lot of the type of things that my mother used to tell me. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me now, but I was actually pretty scrawny as a kid. Not to mention that I had a slight problem with reading. It wasn’t that I couldn’t, but I read the words strangely. The letters moved around on me, and sometimes, they even flipped completely.

I had to work twice as hard as the others to make good grades, and test taking was hell. I knew the answers, but when it came down to actually filling out the correct ones, something transposed in my brain. I just kept getting them wrong. Anyways, there were those that teased me cause of my girly eyes and then those that teased me because I was stupid. That my parents must have felt bad for only being able to have one kid, especially when I had ended up stupid.

“Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong. Move along, move along like I know you do”.

Mom had told me to ignore them because they didn’t know anything. That I could cry and allow myself to be hurt, but it wouldn’t change what they were saying. All I could do was to be strong and prove them wrong. In a sense, move along from what they were putting me through.

And gradually, I found myself slowly making friends. I started smiling, and I worked hard, and since then, I have followed her advice pretty well. You are only as unhappy as you make yourself. They can only hurt you if you let them. What they thought didn’t matter; in the end, only you have to walk in your shoes. My mom was such a wise person.

“And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through. Move along.”

I put down the metal I had been working on and turned towards the radio, raising an eyebrow when I realized it was almost like the song itself was speaking to me. As if reminding me that I had been letting go of what my mom taught me by allowing this melancholy. Not to mention… I hadn’t really been doing anything on my own since I started watching out for Cid.

Perhaps it was time I learned to find my own way again.

“Go on, go on, go on, go on. When everything is wrong, we move along.
Go on, go on, go on, go on. When everything is wrong, we move along. Along, along, along.”

I rose from my stool and swiftly crossed the room, turning the dial to the radio and letting the lyrics and the sound wash over me. My eyes lifted to the window, covered by the blinds, and on impulse, I raised them, letting the flood of bright light peek into every corner of the workshop. I hadn’t even realized that I had been hunched over in the dimness. No wonder I was only getting gloomier and gloomier.
I smiled briefly as I raised my eyes towards the outside, finding that it actually looked quite pleasant outside. Cheery, even.

“When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do.
And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through.”

It wasn’t often that music affected me so much, but there was something in those words that clearly spoke to me. It lightened my heart and made everything seem brighter again. I know it’s kind of strange to say that all from a song, but I can’t help but feel as if someone was trying to speak to me.

There were so many regrets that I had in my life, good things that I let go or chances that I didn’t take. There were things that I still had yet to do, dreams of my own that I had not fulfilled. I’m not an architect like my mom or Reeve, and I’m certainly not a pilot seeking the sky and stars, but I have my own dreams.

I just have to figure out what they are.

“When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do.
And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through.”

And even the loneliness couldn’t last forever. Perhaps Yuffie was right; that there was someone out there for me, someone perfect that I hadn’t yet met. Someone who needed what I had to offer, just waiting for someone like me. All I could do was keep moving along, never allowing anything to drag me down. Just like mom always said.

“When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do.
And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through.”

I smiled again, this time a true Archer Kyle grin, as I turned from the window, already humming along to words that would forever stay in my mind. Except, instead of sitting back down and beginning work on the new project, I completely bypassed the workbench altogether, heading directly out of the room.

I suddenly had the urge to dig out my old plans for that engine I had designed all those years ago. Or maybe even a few of the other inventions I had put aside for a more permanent career. I had the chance now; there really was nothing holding me back.

Not anymore.

“Go on, go on, go on, go on. Right back what is wrong. We move along.”

The last words of the song followed me as I closed the door, reminding me that I had forgotten to turn off the radio, which would probably drain the already meager battery.

Oh, well. Maybe I’ll just have to invent a longer lasting one.

[Shattered] Traditions 04

 Chapter Four – When Summer Passed

Several forms paced the waiting room while even more sat in their chairs, anxiously staring at the clock above the door that led to the maternity ward. The entire of AVALANCHE had made their presence known for this affair, phones ringing off the hooks the moment the time had come.

“How long does it take for babies to be born, Mr. Tseng?” Marlene asked, tugging on the Wutaiian’s sleeve to gather his attention.

The Turk Commander sighed with the long patience of one used to dealing with children more than he ever intended in his entire life. “It shouldn’t be much longer now,” he assured her, his eyes sliding briefly over to his lover who was accompanied by Denzel. At least Sephiroth’s attached young one was a bit more quiet. A slight stab of amused jealousy fluttered in him before wafting away. It was pointless.

Suddenly, the sound of a baby’s cry pierced the air, causing those sitting to leap to their feet in excitement. Moments later, another cry joined the first and a cheer broke out in the waiting room.

“Can you believe it?” Elena exclaimed, shaking her head. “Both babies born on the same day. It was as if they planned it.”

Zack grinned broadly, jabbing his elbow into her side playfully. “Anticipating one of your own?” he suggested teasingly, wiggling his eyebrow demonstratively.

She rolled her eyes. “Leave that to the mother hen,” she replied loftily, waving a hand through the air. “I’m too young for motherhood.”

“I wouldn’t trust Elena around kids,” Reno inserted, giving his former Turk buddy a sidelong glance. He never could resist an opportunity to needle her. “Not with all the weapons she packs.”

Pursing her lips, the blonde resisted the urge to shoot Reno a rather vulgar display. There were children in the room after all and unlike what the redheaded brat implied, she knew how to curb herself.

“Sephy, are we going to get to see the babies now?” Denzel asked quietly, hopeful brown eyes turned towards his adoptive father.

But the mako green gaze seemed to be turned inwards, measuring out an issue that only he could see or hear. The child’s brow furrowed in concern and he reached out, touching the former general lightly on the arm. Sephiroth started slightly, blinking as he turned his head and his attention onto the young boy.

It was a moment before Sephiroth seemed to recall what Denzel had asked him. “I’m sure it will be soon,” he assured the young child, patting Denzel on the hand.

An innocent smile beamed back at him, ever so trusting.

Yuffie watched all this from her perch in the room, leaning up against the wall far across from where Nanaki had his own position, scrunched somewhere behind Barret’s bulk. If anyone had noticed that the two of them weren’t close together, whispering amongst themselves or sharing secrets, they hadn’t commented on it. But she did feel the piercing grey stare of one ex-Turk and knew that Vincent was busy trying to discern what had happened.

The level of anticipation in the room however, was rocketing by several degrees and even Yuffie found a smile forcing its way into her face. This was encouraging to her, a bit of an uplift for recently dampened spirits. When she had received the call hours ago, she had been excited, eager to meet the babies as they came into the world. It would be a happy, hopeful distraction from the sorrow surrounding her father’s death and the confusion between her and Nanaki.

She let the sound of their voices, their conversations both hopeful and full of promise, wash over and around her, barely paying attention to one. They were all too excited to notice the brooding in her expression and she was grateful for that, not wanting to be subject to anyone’s pity or probing questions.

But it didn’t stop her eyes from constantly gravitating Nanaki’s way, watching as he made quiet small talk with Reeve. It had only been a month but to her fractured heart, it felt like longer. The loneliness made time drag on day by day until she felt as if she were wallowing in every minute, mired in quicksand as she waited for sixty seconds to pass.

The young ninja was beginning to feel trapped in Wutai, locked in a fierce debates with the elders over what she should be doing for the sake of the country. Getting married was at the top of their list. Producing heirs. Finding a male to sit in leadership since it was obvious she wasn’t suited for the job. It made her ill to simply think about it. These were the people she had fought so hard to save?

It made her long for Nanaki’s presence. If anything, they were bonded by their lack of belonging. Except, not anymore now that he had found his clan. She knew that her father had hoped she would mature out of her need to roam and cause trouble but now that he was gone, she was forced to become what Wutai needed from her. No one ever asked what she needed for herself.

Her thoughts going in endless circles that had no beginning and no end, Yuffie lifted brown eyes to a face that was achingly familiar. Nanaki was spending more and more time outside. She could tell that much from the darkening of his skin, usually a golden tan but now a deeper nutmeg. It made his hair stand out even more, that rich crimson that she wanted to run her fingers through. He was there, so close, and yet, he couldn’t have been any further if he were standing on the other side of the world, across a gully, three oceans and a ring of fire.

Despite the distance, she couldn’t ignore the urge to talk to him because she hadn’t since leaving. Not once had she picked up the phone. Not once had hers rang. It was as if they were mutually avoiding each other. It was strange how quickly they had gone from best friends rarely leaving one another’s side, to passing acquaintances barely in contact. It was over before it had begun but was it really over? She didn’t know.

Attracting her attention, the doors opened, admitting a tired-looking Reis into the room. Despite her fatigue, she had a big smile on her face as she smoothed down her doctor’s coat. “Two healthy babies,” she announced, much to their relief.

Immediately, the young Tuesti was crowded by excited friends all wanting to know more. Yuffie, however, hung back, her gaze flickering to Nanaki who wasn’t a part of the crowd either. Her eyes caught his, a seemingly silent communication passing between them. The look spoke volumes without saying anything at all.

While the others bombarded Reis with questions, Yuffie made her way to Nanaki, nearly holding her breath. A part of her was nervous, as if she was meeting a stranger for the first time. Only a month had passed, she reminded herself, but it was like she didn’t know him at all.

“Hey,” she said as she approached, a welcoming smile on her face. It did well to hide the other emotions that she didn’t want him to see.

He shifted to greet her, tail lazily swishing behind him in a soft blur of flames. “Hey yourself,” he replied.

It was awkward, but she wasn’t going to let that deter her. “How have you been?” Yuffie asked, moving to stand beside him. They were apart from the others, in their own little corner of the room away from prying eyes.

Nanaki shook his head. “I think I should be asking you that question,” he corrected, crossing his arms. “Your father…?”

She sighed and her eyes dropped to the floor at the reminder. It was getting easier to think of her father and her own mistakes, but it wasn’t something she could easily shake off. “A heart attack,” the ninja explained. “I was surprised myself when I learned.”

“I’m sorry.”

Her lashes lowered against her cheeks but her expression never lost the look of strength. “He was the one who should have apologized to you.” Her eyes darkened with sadness. “I… found a letter he was never able to send me. He regretted his words.” It was important to her that she tell Nanaki that. She knew he didn’t hold a grudge against Godo but still, Yuffie wanted her friend to know.

Nanaki let a small smile slip onto his face, making something in her heart give a strange jerk at the familiar, comforting sight. “I know.”

A moment of silence fell between them, heavily echoing and clenching in their lungs. It was raw and painful, building greater and greater despite the increasing happiness that vibrated behind them. On the edge of their conscious they noticed that babies were being introduced and there was laughter and congratulations. But in their small corner of the room lived only regret… and sorrow. Along with questions on atop the other.

It was too damn uncomfortable and Yuffie resolved to make that anxiety go away. “So,” she began slowly, searching her suddenly blank mind for something o say. “Been on any adventures lately?”

It was as close to an ‘I miss you’ that she could force from her lips without leaving herself so vulnerable in front of the only other person in her life who had the capability to hurt her.

“I can’t say that I have,” Nanaki responded, his stance showing that he felt just as awkward. He had the insane urge to re-introduce himself because it was almost like he didn’t know her anymore. “I’ve mostly been learning my way around my clan, relatives and no.”

“Oh?” Yuffie coaxed, trying to pretend as if she were interested.

He was doing fine without her, plenty fine on his own. Bugenhagen’s death had always hit him hard but now, knowing he wasn’t alone, he was learning to move along. She should have been happy for him, but all she could feel was a great sense of loss. The selfish part of her wanted him to go back to that guarded and sad creature that had been hers and hers alone.

The demi-human nodded and to her surprise, and a bit of dismay, excited energy began to creep into his tone. “Lesana is probably the closest to my age there and its thanks to her that I’ve been able to meet most of them.”

“Lesana?” Yuffie repeated.

She attempted to keep her voice neutral but had the distinct impression, judging by the way her heart sagged into her belly, that she had failed miserably. What was this seething jealousy that made an unusual urge to kill rise inside of her?

Something in Nanaki’s golden eyes sparkled, making her stomach churn and buck in discomfort. “She’s Akili’s grandcub. I know you remember Akili. Lesana knows a lot of history and unlike her grandma, she actually has the time to relate it to me.”

“It sounds like you have a lot in common,” Yuffie commented, wondering if that was her voice that was only hovering on neutrality. And Nanaki, her ever oblivious friend, didn’t seem to notice her growing discomfort for this conversation. She wished she hadn’t ever begun it in the first place.

Her eyes flickered briefly to the others, Reeve who was cooing over one of the newborns and Elena tentatively taking another into her arms. She almost looked as if she feared the babe was a hissing snake that would bite her. If Yuffie were in a better mood, she would have laughed. Then Nanaki spoke and she dragged her gaze back to him.

“A bit,” the demi-human responded with a nonchalant shrug. “She keeps me from making too big a fool of myself.”

She couldn’t imagine an instance when Nanaki had ever done something clumsy or foolish. That was usually her job. Still, she forced a chuckle through her lips, refusing to ruin the happiness that he seemed to be enjoying.

“You really like it there, huh?” she asked purely rhetorically. It was plainly obvious to the ninja the truth, but she didn’t really want to acknowledge it.

“They have asked me to stay,” Nanaki admitted, shifting slightly where he stood. He turned his head to the side, gaze leaving hers to fall on the others. “I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

Yuffie felt something plummet even further, perhaps her heart falling from her stomach down to the balls of her feet where it was crushed endlessly. By the glint in Nanaki’s eyes, she thought that he was merely saving face. He looked as if he had already decided. She wondered if that told the strength of their friendship, for it to fade away into dust as quickly as it had.

She knew that the silence in the conversation was because she hadn’t responded yet but couldn’t think of anything that would sway his thoughts either way. Her mouth opened, though no true response was ready, and was instantly relieved when her eyes caught sight of Reis gesturing towards her. It was the perfect opportunity to escape and she nodded her head in the young doctor’s direction.

“Sorry, Nanaki. My turn,” Yuffie said with her best, brightest smile. It wasn’t hard to fake. She looked forward to getting to hold one of the babies. “We’ll talk later, okay?” she suggested, already edging past him.

Her hand fell briefly on his arm, the faintest of touches warm on his skin, and then she was gone before he could even protest, eagerly making her way to the other side of the room. Nanaki watched her exit, a faint frown pulling at her lips. He couldn’t quite describe her behavior. She was still Yuffie but it appeared the past month had dampened her usual enthusiasm for life. And he had only made the most cursory of queries. Somehow, he felt he would have been prying if he had delved deeper.

She smiled as she finally made her way to Reis’ side. The two of them exchanged words before a heavily wrapped bundle was transferred into the young ninja’s arms. She carefully cradled the newborn in her hold, her face slackening in wonder as she gazed at the newest addition to her extended family.

Yuffie was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“She seems to be doing well.”

The demi-human nearly leapt three feet in the air at the unexpected voice. He hadn’t even realized Archer had snuck up on him, approaching when Nanaki wasn’t paying the least bit attention to his surroundings. Forcing his heart to dampen its pace, Nanaki turned towards Archer who was actually staring at Yuffie.

“Considering the situation, I mean,” the engineer added as a sort of afterthought before shifting his gaze towards the Iyatokan.

Archer had his hands stuffed in his pockets and he seemed to be pretending nonchalance, but there was a calculated understanding in his amethyst eyes that made Nanaki think this conversation wasn’t just idle chatter.

Outside of that, Nanaki knew his comment was bullshit. “It’s fake,” Nanaki responded with a faint sigh. “She’s only pretending to be happy. She’s always been good at bravado, never wanting anyone to try and prove her age.” He remembered that argument between them all too well when he had made the mistake of wanting to protect her.

There was a moment of silence before Archer spoke again, rising up to the toes of his feet before dropping back down again. “You talk like you know her.”

“I do,” he responded, almost absent-mindedly, watching as she smiled, tilting her head to the side. A lock of dark hair slipped across her forehead.

Archer made a noise of argument. “You think you do,” he corrected in a no-nonsense tone.

Confusion alit within the demi-human. He dragged his attention from Yuffie to the engineer but Archer wasn’t looking at him anymore. Instead, his eyes were focused on the ninja, almost as if he were trying to see something beneath her smile as well.

“Why didn’t you go with her?” the dark-haired man asked.

A sharp stab of something wriggled a painful path in Nanaki’s chest at the unexpected and blunt question he had asked himself many times before. “She didn’t ask me to,” he answered, the same excuse he had given himself. He knew, without needing to guess, that Archer wouldn’t be as understanding as his own psyche.

The engineer lifted a brow. “You expected she would? Knowing her?”

Nanaki bit his lower lip, feeling trapped. It didn’t deter Archer in the slightest and he continued, bombarding the younger man with all the queries he had already directed at himself many times before only with ten times more success.

“Do you really think she would have asked you to leave when she thought you had finally found what you wanted?”

He sucked in a breath. “Did she think I wouldn’t?” Nanaki countered, wishing that the other man wasn’t making it sound as if it was entirely his fault.

“Did you even make any signs that you would?”

Nanaki huffed in frustration. “All you do is counter with questions.” He raked a hand through his hair, nearly dislodging the ponytail.

It wasn’t fair that he shoulder all the burden. Technically, they were both to blame since neither had spoken. And it wasn’t as if anything were really wrong, right? They were still friends even if they were separated. It was only temporary. Things would go back to normal eventually.

Oblivious to the demi-human’s mounting annoyance, Archer chuckled lightly. “The two of you are so similar sometimes, I can’t help but get involved. It’s just cute,” he said, reaching out and ruffling his hands over Nanaki’s hair like one would a young child.

The Iyatokan scowled. “I’m not a child.”

“Mah, then its time you grew up, ne?” Archer suggested with a wink.

He left Nanaki gaping at him, stepping away with the full intent of pestering someone for a chance to hold Aeris’ daughter. He figured his good deed was done for the day, if the thoughts flickering across Nanaki’s face were any indication.

The demi-human watched the engineer leave for all of a moment before his eyes found their way back to his best friend in thought. She was smiling in that gentle manner again, tugging on his heartstrings. He hadn’t realized, until that moment, just how much he had missed her this past month.

It was exciting to get to know his clan and learn of the history, but without her by his side, sharing in the knowledge and his cheer, it had somehow felt a little flat. There were many nights he had lain, staring at the ceiling, and thinking of her. After sharing the bed for only a week, he had gotten used to her warmth at his side. Despite the extra blankets, it was as if there was no way to keep warm at night anymore. He had worried as well, considering that she had hurried home after receiving heart-breaking news. And he had asked himself time and time again if he had made the right decision.

But his phone had never rung and he had never called her. He couldn’t explain it either. Perhaps they had both been too complacent for too long in their relationship. Maybe this was just the natural order of things, that they weren’t meant to be. Perhaps he should just accept what was happening in his life and continue on his way.

Every time he tried to convince himself to do that, he felt as if he were betraying something inside of him. That he was losing something entirely irreplaceable. Suddenly, he was back to those moments before he had decided to simply go with the flow, living in a land of confusion as he tried to figure out his feelings towards his best friend.

He wondered if this was the time when they would finally say goodbye.

****

She felt the eyes on her, and unbidden, a light blush attacked her cheeks before she willingly lifted her gaze, searching out the source of the strange feeling. Yuffie caught sight of Nanaki and Archer talking on the other side of the room but by the time her eyes found them, neither were looking her way but discussing something serious. She frowned slightly until her attention was dragged away by the shifting of the young one in her arms, obviously annoyed that he didn’t have her full attention.

The ninja snorted. All men were attention hogs. She jogged her arms gently. “I’m paying attention now,” she cooed softly. There was a gurgle as Dominique, Rude and Shera’s son, settled back contentedly.

He was cute, a thick thatch of dark hair already on his head. Currently, his eyes were blue but she had the feeling that they would darken to brown. Yuffie had already made her decision regarding children. Not now, but in the future, probably. She liked kids, even the bratty ones.

She didn’t dare think about what having children with Nanaki would be like.

Her arms were growing slightly tired but Yuffie wasn’t quite ready to relinquish her opportunity. Footsteps approached and her battle-honed instincts were quick to distinguish the quiet footfalls. She lifted her eyes, finding that her cousin was slowly approaching.

“Want a turn?” she asked, gesturing towards Tseng with her bundle-laden arms.

The apprehension on his face was something she didn’t think she’d ever see in such a composed man. “No, I think it’s probalby safer if I don’t,” he said, holding up his hands as if to ward her off from attempting to foist off the child on him.

Yuffie couldn’t help but laugh lightly at him. It was kind of cute. She and Tseng were both tentatively stepping around building a relationship between each other considering that they were the only family left. Luckily, being around Vincent gave her plenty of experience in dealing with quiet, stoic man. And Tseng knew how to handle energetic loudmouths thanks to Reno. It made things easier.

“You’ve heard about Wutai?” Yuffie asked.

Tseng nodded, his face somber and serious. “I was never personally close to Lord Godo but I am sorry for your loss,” he replied, politeness still ingrained within him, even after all these years.

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Yuffie murmured, more to herself than to Tseng. “But who really means it?” The words were one of many that she had heard millions of times, strangers claiming sympathy before thrusting responsibility at her.

The Turk Commander wasn’t sure how to respond to her statement, surprised by the bitterness and sorrow in her tone. Where was the young and sprightly girl he had last spoken to before Godo’s death? There was a light missing in her eyes, something that he didn’t understand. It was as if she had aged quickly in the past month. He wondered if it had anything to do with the strange behavior between she and Nanaki. He understood her pain over the loss of her father but it seemed like there was more to the equation.

“He is going to be the most spoiled child,” Rude claimed as he approached the two of them, disturbing Tseng from his thoughts.

Yuffie chuckled softly. “Can you blame us?” she asked, moving closer so that she could return the newly born babe to his father. Rude was as glowy with happiness as she had ever seen the man, especially evident since he wasn’t wearing his trademark sunglasses.

The bald man shook his head. “I suppose not.” He turned his gaze on his son, smiling so gently. “Shera’s a bit put out that she hasn’t got to hold him for longer than a minute.”

“I’m not surprised,” Tseng commented in half-amusement. “Go on, before she gets annoyed.”

Rude tipped his head at his boss and walked away, already looking the full part of the loving father. Dominque was adorable, much like Midori, but Tseng didn’t envy either of their parents for the long, sleepless nights to come. He had enough children to take care of in Reeve and Reno, as amusing as that was to think of.

Rubbing his brow to clear away that unneeded thought, Tseng shifted his attention back to Yuffie and caught the young ninja watching Nanaki. There was the barest hint of a smile on her lips, something wistful and lonely. He could feel emotions roiling off of her in waves, seeping in through his carefully structured defenses. Heavyhearted regret seemed to be the most of it, along with strong feelings of passion and care. He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened between the two youngest of his friends, newborns and children notwithstanding.

“I’m Lady of Wutai now,” Yuffie suddenly stated, turning towards Tseng, her face full of resolution despite the roil of emotions beneath the surface. “That means there’s a lot of things I can do, if I wanted.”

‘That’s right,’ she told herself. ‘I have responsibilities. I can’t keep letting myself sitting around in hope.’

‘He’s happy and that’s all I could have ever wanted for him. Even if it’s not me to do it. I told myself that long ago, before he ever even knew of the possibility of finding his clan. I know how to let go, even if I don’t feel like I can.’

‘He hasn’t said anything to me. Hasn’t made any inclinations that his life is different without me there. He doesn’t need me to be happy.’

‘I wonder if he misses me.’

The thoughts bounced rapid fire in her head as she blurted out those words, half-wondering where they were coming from. She hadn’t really considered her next move but once she had vocalized that scattering of idea, she couldn’t seem to stop the ideas from coming, one after another. Maybe they were things she had wanted all along.

Tseng furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“You should never have been exiled,” Yuffie said softly, meaning every word. She knew it was a painful memory for the Turk Commander. “I wanted to know if you’d like to come back to Wutai with me?”

His eyebrows tried to crawl into his hairline despite his attempts to hold back his reaction as he sucked in a startled breath. “I… what?” Tseng stuttered in surprise, not even daring to believe that he had heard those words.

Yuffie tucked a strand of longer hair behind her ear. “The elders and I don’t get along,” she began slowly, “though that’s putting it lightly. You know more about delegation and stuff. That is, if you don’t mind helping.”

It was almost like a dream. “I’m only a Turk Commander,” he said, almost protesting because he didn’t want her to get her hopes in believing he would be a great help. Misery and loneliness washed over him at her words however and it took a moment for him to realize that the strong emotions weren’t in fact, his own, but hers. He changed his statement mid-thought.

“But I wouldn’t mind helping,” he finished. He couldn’t deny that he burned to visit his homeland again, burned with a passion that nearly surprised him. He had always longed to return, even if it would have been bittersweet.

Her smile in return didn’t meet her eyes. “Good,” she said, in nearly the same Yuffie-tone as always but lacking in her general cheeriness. “You can help me choose from the endless parade of useless men that the elders are trying to foist off on me.”

“Men?” Tseng was confused.

She shrugged. “They want me to get married. I don’t want to but if it will get them off my back, I’ll at least look at the proposals. It should keep them quiet for a few months.”

“Are you certain that’s the best option?” he asked, frowning in thought. It appeared that something had indeed happened between the two best friends. He was disappointed to hear it, but it wasn’t his place to pry.

Something flashed across her gaze, a bit of longing and sadness melded into one before she nodded resolutely. “I’ve gotta grow up sometime, right? Best to start now.”

Tseng, however, wasn’t quite so sure.