[Shattered] Refrain 13

Track Thirteen – Cid/Vincent – If You Believe

I had a dream that I could fly.

I can feel each moment as time goes by.

Dear Vincent,

I don’t why I thought of something as stupid of writing letters to each other, but hell, it’s supposed to be romantic in some way. Right? Well, that’s what the brat said. No, don’t ask me why she thought I needed more romance in my life, but after thinking about it, I decided what the fuck… might as well give it a try. So here I am, writing this letter to you and wonderin’ if I’m even going to bother sending it to you. It’s kinda silly, but… nevermind.

Anyway, what I suppose I wanted to say was that I had a dream last night. No, not the nightmare about the army of squirt gun-wielding moogles with a hankering for airships; I think I got rid of that one long ago. This was a different one. It was about us. Not that I don’t usually dream of us, heh heh. Don’t give me that look! I know what you’re thinkin’.

Shit, I’m losing my train of thought. Lemme get back on track. When I was kid, I used to dream of flying all the time. Soaring in the sky, flitting through the air like a bird, that sorta thing. But now, my dreams have changed. It ain’t a bad thing. But ever since I met you, the sky just isn’t enough. The moon ain’t that far. It’s hard to ‘xplain, but you make me fly just like I always wanted to. When I’m with you, even with all the rough times. There’s nothing but happiness. And uh… I just wanted you to know that.

Yeah, that was corny. Don’t make me say it again cause I won’t. And you better not let anyone else read this, ya hear? Now, the brat said I had to sign it this way so here goes.

XOXOXO,

Cid

P.S. I felt incredibly gay writing those stupid X’s and O’s.

We’d never be too far away.

You would always be here, I heard you say.

Dearest Cid,

I must admit that your letter was unexpected but not unwanted. And I smiled at your lovely X’s and O’s. Did Yuffie even bother to explain what they meant? Probably not, but it was a sweet gesture, nevertheless. By the way, in case you have forgotten, you are gay. Nothing you could tell me would be corny or stupid… well, perhaps just a little, but I did not mind. Maybe the one who truly lacks the sense of romance is myself. Still, everything that you said warmed my heart.

I think, for once, that Yuffie has had a good idea, and I know you did not expect a response, but I found myself writing one out before I knew what I was doing. Some things are easier to compose on paper than to say aloud. Goodness knows, I would prefer not to stumble over myself and sound a fool when I try to say something important.

I want you to know that although I lost my memory for that short time, I never truly forgot you. Whispers in my mind, ghost touches along my skin, the scent of you, the feel of you, all of it remained an important notion in my mind. I could not remember exactly who you were, but I wanted to return to you. My love never went away; it could never be forgotten. Even if I lost myself, I would still have what I feel for you, and that, I believe, is important.

No matter how far apart we are, we will always be together in some way. You said this to me once, do you remember? At the time, I had thought it a ridiculous thought, but now, I know why you said it. It gave me hope. To know, even if only in the deepest part of my heart, that you were waiting for me somewhere out there.

When I am with you, I feel complete, that I have found the part of me I had been missing. I want you to know that and never forget it either. Never doubt my feelings for you because not even death could tear us apart.

With love (and XOXO’s),

Vincent

I never thought

That it would be our last goodbye.

I still can dream

That one day love will fall down from the sky.

 Dear Vin,

Okay, so the brat had a good idea. I was so shocked when I found your response that I couldn’t stop grinnin’ all day, and my crew kept askin’ me if I had got laid! Not that it wasn’t far from the truth, but I didn’t go sayin’ that! Damn nosy bastards. Besides that, I was happy, and I had to go read it somewhere private because it made me all misty-eyed, ya know?

I never lost hope, back then. Everyone slowly drifted into their own lives, learning to move on, but I couldn’t. Cause I didn’t have a life without you in it. I didn’t know how I was gonna find you or when or anything like that, but I never stopped believing. I didn’t want to think that it could be our last goodbye. Maybe I was just being foolish because I didn’t want to lose you when I had finally figured out everything that was important. I don’t really know. But I’m certain that I loved you, and that was enough to keep me goin’.

I admit, I got pretty bad there for awhile. It was hard for me. It felt like a part of my soul had been ripped out and thrown away. I never even got to tell ya that I loved ya cause you were being such a stubborn bastard then. Cold-assed vampire. Not that I would want ya to be different.

Gah, I ramble even when I write. I’m surprised you can read my handwritin’. It’s terrible, ain’t it? But that’s off topic. And by the way, Yuffie did tell me what they meant, but that don’t make it any less embarrassing. It was like being back in high school again and tryin’ to explain to those girls why I wasn’t interested without sayin’ I was gay. Those were some rough times.

But yer right, and you better get used to it cause I ain’t leavin’ your side for no reason. You’re stuck with me, Vincent. You can’t turn back now.

Love,

Cid

XOXO

 

Do you still remember all the time that has gone by?

Do you still believe that love can fall out from the sky?

If I’m where you’re standing, you can see the sky above.

I’ll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love.

Chief,

I do believe that we have had this discussion before, not that you will change your habits anytime soon. Therefore, I will simply cease attempting to correct my name and let you call me whatever you wish. But don’t be surprised if Yuffie starts calling you by another name, and it will be greatly amusing to me. I am interested in seeing your reaction. I am certain it will be quite amusing.

I was thinking back to your first letter, and it reminded me that I, too, had a dream. Or should I say, I once dreamed since this is one from the past before I even met you. I used to dream of the day when I would fall in love because I was certain that I had not yet come across it. I felt I would be able to recognize her or him the minute we met, and with that person, I would be happy for the rest of my days. The face was always hazy in my dreams, but now, it is all so clear.

It is you. It has been you all along I am sure. Even when I thought that I loved Lucrecia, a certain part of me knew that it was wrong; I was meant for another. If it hadn’t been for you, I might very well still be wallowing in my own guilt and hollow life. You helped to shatter the ice around my walls, Cid. And I cannot thank you enough for that. You made me smile again. I love you, Captain Highwind, and I have never been more certain of that fact than I am now.

I shall have to thank Yuffie later.

With love,

“Vince”

Find a way to bring back yesterday.

Find a way to love.

I hope you’ll stay when tomorrow becomes today.

Love will find a way.

Baby,

You said that it is because of me, but hell Vince, you wouldn’t have done it yourself if you didn’t want to. I only had a little part. I would have loved you either way. I would have waited; it made no difference to me. There was no way I was gonna give you up. I was certain that this attraction was something more, and I’m the Captain; I get what I want.

I’m a hopeless romantic beneath all the bullshit; you’ve probably figured this out already. So I know what you mean. Though Archer was a part of my life once, I feel that somewhere I always knew I was just waitin’ to meet you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And although I don’t really want to quit smoking, I’ll do it for you. Because I want to be alive for whatever comes along. I want to grow old and remember all those things we’ve done together. There’s still lots I’ve yet to do, yanno? And I want you to be there with me when I do.

I can still remember the first time we had sex. I still remember the first time we kissed. Yanno, I lied back then. I didn’t think you were a woman, and I certainly enjoyed the kiss. I took the opportunity that was presented and kissed you. I wanted to taste you, and the fire that burned just from that one kiss, I never forgot. So yeah, I had it in mind to seduce you or sumthin’, but hell, can ya really blame me? Have ya looked in a mirror?

You’re gorgeous, Vin.

And I consider myself to be the luckiest man on Gaia to get to wake up next to you everyday. I don’t think my life could get any better than that. I love the way you smile and the way you laugh, even when you try to hide it. I love that you have a sneaky side and that even you can be playful. I love how you tolerate affection, even though it annoys you, just to make me happy. I love how you can shoot better than anyone I know and that you can work out math problems in your head just as quickly as I can. I love every scar on your body, just because they are a part of you.

Fuck Vince, it’s easiest just to say that I love you.

Yours always,

Cid

I’ll be waiting for you.

In my heart, you were the one.

If I cannot find you,

I will look up to the sun.

Dearest Cid,

Even as I write this, I find that my hands are shaking. You can probably tell by the way that my letters are formed. The emotion is not one to be concerned about, but my heart is literally blooming, and I find it hard to contain the tears. I simply hate weeping, especially since my features are entirely too feminine for my liking, so I restrain myself. Nevertheless, your words were beautiful.

I am not quite certain I even have the proper response. Save that I am know the feelings are mutual. There is so much about you, Cid Highwind, that to put it in simple words is rather difficult.

I ran away back then because I was afraid of what you had to offer me. I knew that I had failed Lucrecia, and I felt I would be betraying her memory if I even attempted to be happy before avenging her. I feared that I would fail you as well. From the first kiss, I wanted something with you, but I was too frightened by the possibility of breaking outside of my barriers. If you hadn’t been so persistent, I would have remained forever locked inside of myself.

I love that about you, your persistence and your determination. I love the fact that you wear your heart on your sleeve, that you never try to hide your emotions from me or anyone else. I love your constant cursing and coarse language because you would not be the Captain without them. I love your obsession with tea and how you let me take you the very first time we had sex. It was as if you knew what I needed without me having to say.

I love how you treat your airship as if it were a child and how you secretly bought candy for those children in Wutai when you thought I wasn’t looking. I love how you have a good heart under all that bluster and that you are far smarter than people give you credit for. I love your strength and your honesty and your ability to make me laugh.

Most of all, I love you for being you, for not following a pre-designed path and seeking out your dreams. I love seeing the sky reflected in your eyes and the heavens in your smile. I would have given up anything to be with you again, and I pray everyday to be the kind of man that you deserve, that you cried for. You have become ingrained in all that I am, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I suppose for me the easiest way to say it, is that you are my heart, Cid Highwind. Without you, I am nothing.

Love,

Vincent

I’ll be waiting for you.

In my heart, you were the one.

If I cannot find you,

I will look up to the sun.

Dear Vince,

You were right. This was a good idea. I know we’ve got that battle tomorrow, and I know things are going to get rough. I know we’ve got little chance for survival, and though I don’ like the idea of dying, if I’m with you, I think I will be okay.

It’s almost hard to believe that we’ve come this far together. Thinking back from day one, how everyone treated you and all the things that happened, it’s almost like it was a dream. I’ve worried that I might have already fulfilled my happiness quota simply by being with you. I plan to stay with you for the rest of my life. Marriage, kids, that’s not even important so long as I am with you. Seeing the moon and the stars, other worlds, with you by my side I can do anything.

If anything happens tomorrow, if I fall or if you do, I promise that I will find ya again, just like I did before. Somewhere, anywhere, death can’t separate us. It has already tried and failed. I’ll drag your pale, skinny ass out of the Lifestream or dive in after you. I’m never going to give up.

I don’t think it’ll happen. I really think we’re going to kick Balaam’s ass all the way back to wherever the hell he came from. He’s going to pay for all that he put you through; I guarantee it. No one hurts my lover and gets away with it. I’m not letting anyone take you away from me, come hell or high water.

Love always,

Cid

Do you believe if I’m where you’re standing,

You can see the sky above?

I’ll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love.

Dearest Cid,

I must admit that I fear for you in the battle to come. I fear that I will not be able to protect you. I have, however, resolved to trust you, as I know you would wish me to. I want to believe that the both of us will come out alive because certainly, life owes us a bit of happiness. You have suffered so much for me, and I only want to see you happy from now on.

When this is over, we will take a vacation. I don’t know where, and we don’t even have to tell anyone. Just you and I; we’ll disappear to some place. An uninhabited beach, hide at Gold Saucer, camp out in the northern snowfields, it really doesn’t matter. So long as I am with you.

We have time to catch up, time and words and promises that must be kept. I want you to tell me all the things I have missed, and I want to say all those things I have never said. I want to make love to you until the dawn and then watch the sun rise together. I want to find our own peace, away from the battles and the sadness and the misery. For you, if nothing else.

I will not let anything happen to you, Cid. My heart simply couldn’t take it. Outside of the other members of our group, you are the only family that I have. Without you, I have nothing. I dream of this vacation; I will remember it as we fight. I can’t wait.

Love,

Vincent

Do you still remember all the time that has gone by?

Do you still believe that love can fall out from the sky?

If I’m where you’re standing, you can the sky above.

I’ll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love.

 

His hands trembled as they read over the last of the words. He had found the letter on his dresser this morning, perfectly folded as usual with his name scrawled across the top in Vincent’s elegant handwriting. He never expected that the first letter he wrote to his lover would end up with this continuous exchange of all the things they thought they couldn’t say aloud, or that they had trouble even speaking to begin with. Cid wasn’t exactly the most eloquent of speakers.

Still, each time his eyes scanned over the words that Vincent had so carefully penned for him, his heart thudded loudly in his chest. It was simply beautiful and so expressively frank that the brash pilot was fighting down a wash of very manly tears. After searching for so long, after believing when no one else did, Cid was still coming to terms with the fact that he had his lover back. And it was moments like this that made the realization all the more real.

Why was it so much easier to speak plainly, to express what was wanted in written form rather than face to face? These were words that Vincent never really said out loud, as if he feared romance would make him any less masculine. Not that Cid minded his lover’s lack in that particular area. It was all part and parcel to the Vincent Valentine package.

Suddenly, arms slid around him from behind, settling around his belly and pulling him backwards into an embrace. A soft scent, something exotic and spicy and distinctly familiar flitted his direction. Cid had no doubt he knew the perpetrator. Especially when a rather hard chin settled on his shoulder, the head attached to it leaning gently against the pilot’s.

“You got my letter,” Vincent commented softly, his breath a warm puff against the pilot’s ear. “Did you like it?”

Cid rolled his eyes. “You ask me a dumb question like that?” he returned, his body thrumming with anticipation as he melted against the body at his back.

“Yes,” the former Turk replied matter-of-factly, his fingers tracing nonsensical circles on his lover’s abdomen.

The letter found itself fluttering to the ground, nearly forgotten as Cid turned in Vincent’s hold. He lifted a spear-calloused hand, grasping the man’s chin with one hand and sliding the other around his lover’s body, pulling them close. He brought their lips together, tongue sliding over soft flesh and sharing familiar tastes. He found himself moaning into the kiss, his fingers pressing harder against Vincent’s back before he broke away from the show of affection.

“I loved it,” he whispered before returning eagerly to Vincent’s mouth.

He had half a mind to thank Yuffie later, but then, he realized that the brat was full of herself enough as it was. Besides, he had more important things to take care of.

Vincent seemed in agreement.

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