[Bleach] Guilty Pleasures

He was the man with the secrets.

Strange, considering who he was. But Ikkaku was the man with the secrets. He knew everything there was to know about the Shinigami in Seireitei.

It had been a series of fortunate events that led him to his multiple discoveries, and once he’d learned their dirty little secrets, he didn’t know what to do with them. Yet, Ikkaku continued to collect, snickering to himself in private at some of the information he had learned. Even a few choice bits about those from his own division.

The things Ikkaku knew would put most of the Gotei 13 to shame.

Zaraki Kenpachi, for example, his very own captain, had a secret obsession with reading trashy romance novels of the Harlequin variety. You know, the ones with beautiful girls in the arms of brawny men on the cover. In fact, he hid them under the floorboards in his bedroom, right beneath where he kept his futon.

And the fact that Yumichika was actually a natural blond. But he felt that it didn’t suit his complexion, so he’d been dyeing his hair for as long as Ikkaku had known him. Top and bottom so that no one could find out the truth. Vain bastard. He spent a fortune on hair dyes, making sure that his roots would never be discovered. And yet, he had the audacity to mock Ikkaku for his lack of hair. Someday, he was going to pay for that.

Ikkaku knew a lot about others as well. And they didn’t know he was aware of their guilty pleasures either. He smirked to himself at holding this knowledge.

No one knew that the honorable and upstanding Ukitake Jyuushiro was actually a rampant thief. He was constantly stealing books from the library, especially rare ones. And he never returned them.

Kuchiki Byakuya had a treasured toy from his childhood that he slept with every night. The stuffed teddy bear even had a name – Sweetcheeks-san, and there were heart-shaped designs embroidered on its butt. Rumor had it that the Kuchiki heir had thrown quite a hissy-fit last week when a maid had misplaced the stuffed creature. The poor girl had shaken for hours afterward.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri, known for his many oddities, had even gone to absurd lengths to make sure his teeth were sparkling, blinding white. In fact, he bleached them on a daily basis to the point where Ikkaku was surprised they hadn’t fallen out yet. Freaky.

Prim and proper Unohana Retsu was not as perfect as everyone thought her to be. That flask she wore on her hip wasn’t full of green tea – great for your health! But sake. And not just any old booze but the really good shit. When everyone thought she was promoting the healing properties of green tea, she was actually getting wasted on the job! A part of Ikkaku was terrified to find out what she was like sober.

Komamura Sajin might have looked like a fox, but he had some cat-like tendencies. In fact, he used to take naps during captain’s meetings. Without his helmet, he couldn’t do it anymore though. Thus the reason for his current irritable state. Contrary to popular belief, it had nothing to do with Tousen’s betrayal.

By the way, said captain was a crossdresser. Before he took off to Hueco Mundo with Aizen and Ichimaru, Ikkaku had caught Tousen wandering around in high heels, a sparkling prom dress, and declaring himself to be Kana-chan to a mirror. Ikkaku had wondered for many reasons at the time. For example, why women’s clothes? But even more importantly, why would a blind guy need a mirror?

Speaking of former traitors, Ikkaku had the scoop on Aizen Sousuke as well. The man, knowing for being perfection given human form, actually wasn’t. He was terrified of walking around without tabi on, so he even slept in them. And reason being? He had six toes on each foot, and he’d often been teased for it as a child and when he entered the Academy.

Inevitably, when one spoke of Aizen, that brought to mind the long-standing rumor about his liaison with Urahara Kisuke. An utterly false conjecture. The truth of the matter was that Urahara was actually in love with another former captain, Hirako Shinji. Only he’d never confessed. He preferred following the man around in a manner that was vaguely stalkerish and attempting to win over the other blond’s favorite child, Hiyori.

The true perpetrator of that vicious rumor was actually Ise Nanao, who got her kicks by starting all sorts of tales that weren’t remotely true. But because she had said them, many people believed them to be utter fact. It had been Nanao who claimed that Ukitake was secretly Kuchiki Byakuya’s grandfather, prompting a minor noble war. And it was she who started that incident in the Academy when several men were fighting over Kotetsu Isane.

And ah, Isane. Forget Matsumoto. The real fornicator of Seireitei was the tall vice-captain from the fourth division. She was quiet on the outside, but Ikkaku knew for a fact – and several reliable sources – that she was actually Seireitei’s largest slut. The best he could remember she had successfully seduced over half of the leading forces in the Gotei 13. Which included but weren’t limited to: Hisagi, Tousen, Renji, Yumichika, Akon, Iemura, Yamada, that popular guy from the fourth whose name Ikkaku could never remember, Iba, Sasakibe, and Aramaki.

Soifon was another of her victims, though both women had been drunk at the time. And she’d even seduced Sentarou in an attempt to steal her sister’s man. Not to mention sleeping with Shiba Kaien both before and after he was married, though he’d heard the second time included the wife as well. There was also Kuchiki-hime’s last lieutenant, who’d died in such a bizarre and abrupt fashion. Not to mention Komamura-taichou. And the mechanics of that one had completely boggled Ikkaku’s mind. She’d attempted to seduce both Ukitake and Kyouraku, but they’d turned her down several times. Last but not least, Ikkaku had personally tumbled her a time or two. Best time he ever spent on his back, too.

He was sure there were others, but his sources couldn’t remember them all.

Which reminded him, Kyouraku Shunsui and Tousen shared a few things in common. While the former didn’t go into full dress, Ikkaku knew for a fact that he liked to wear women’s underwear. Something about the way the silk felt against him; Ikkaku wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to ask because he honestly didn’t want to know.

Kira Izuru had a sweet tooth that was almost voracious. It was because of him that Ukitake’s candy dish was almost always empty. And poor Hitsugaya-taichou suffered the brunt of it because Ukitake mistakenly believed that he was taking it and kept trying to foist more candy off on the icy captain. In the meantime, Kira continued to raid the candy dish with no one but Ikkaku the wiser.

Speaking of candy, Ikkaku had it on good authority that Omaeda-fukutaichou was on his fifty-second diet and counting. None of the others had worked, though there was a rumor he managed to drop about five pounds with Atkin’s. That was until he made a trip down to the Sara Lee factory and ruined everything.

Ikkaku’s fellow thugs weren’t spared from his knowledge either.

Tetsuzaemon actually enjoyed ikebana, flower arranging. His mother had taught him since she had wanted a girl; all she’d gotten was him. And even though Renji kept him inviting him to those classes, he kept stridently denying his interest. Thought it made him look weak or something.

Hisagi was terrified of needles to the point that he screeched like a girl if one came within ten feet of him. And those tattoos? Fake, fake, fake. They were the temporary kind. He scrubbed them off and reapplied them daily in an attempt to look manlier since the girls were always calling him “pretty.”

Needles made him think of that sew-happy freak, Ishida, the one who was Ichigo’s friend. Ikkaku even knew a thing or two about him. For example, the fact that he had perfect vision. He only wore glasses so that he could look smart and lord that intelligence over his fellow classmates. Especially Ichigo.

Scarily enough, despite her formerly sweet exterior, Hinamori Momo was quite the strange individual beneath. Her captain having abandoned her hadn’t managed to quell her obsession for the man. Even now, she made voodoo dolls for those she suspected liking on her precious Aizen and stuck them with pins every night. Very, very creepy. Ikkaku wasn’t sure they should have let her out of the psych ward so soon.

Truthfully, Ikkaku even knew a bit of rumor about the upper echelon, Yamamoto-soutaichou in particular. Not only had he been married eight times, but it was to the same woman. It seemed like Yamamoto-soutaichou couldn’t quite give up his first love, though he tried a good many times. Rumor had it, they were attempting a ninth, and Ikkaku doubted they were ever going to learn.

In all honesty, while others had little black books full of phone numbers and addresses, Ikkaku had one full of secrets. He kept it hidden, on him at all times, and added to it on an almost daily basis. He was proud of his collection. So while others guiltily collected their special vices, Ikkaku gathered secrets.

He was the man with the knowledge, and no one knew it.

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