[Bleach] My Horizontal Life

Lisa has always believed in freedom of expression. The freedom to be who and whatever one wants to be. To experiment and enjoy life and all the little things. To taste and try anything once. To fill life with all sorts of flavors.

In fact, Lisa considers herself something of a connoisseur.

In men, that is. And well, the occasional woman as well. Curiosity has made for some very interesting encounters to say the least.

Lisa can no longer list them in order. Or by favorites. Or from best to worst, least to greatest, et cetera. It’s hard enough just trying to list them at all to be honest. Not that they are forgettable. Just that there’s so many.

Some might call her a slut. Lisa prefers to thinking of it as keeping her options open and various.

Like the time she ended up in bed with Aizen Sousuke. Memorable not only because she popped his cherry, but also because he later turned out to be evil incarnate. Aizen, unsurprisingly, was a very good lay. Enthusiastic, adorable in his brief bouts with uncertainty, and Lisa cherishes the knowledge that he has incredibly sensitive ears. Every time she so much as breathed over them, he twitched and groaned and blushed a furious scarlet.


And then, there was the time she cornered Urahara Kisuke. Not long after he was named captain of the twelfth division. At the time, Lisa had wondered how that adorable dorkishness would carry over into the bedroom. That night, Lisa discovered the strangely shaped birthmark on Urahara’s left buttock and was treated to a breakfast that would have been lovely if not for the kamibedamned tea.

She still shudders when she remembers it.

There were others, too.

Like Kuchiki Isshin long before he vanished. Lisa remembers him so strongly only because Isshin was one of the best she’s ever taken to bed. He did things to her that she never imagined were possible. Leaving her body tingling even days later.

And Tousen Kaname, who was a mistake of epic proportions. Lisa believed his long soliloquies about the various facets of justice at random times in public were bad? Che. They had nothing on the fact that the blind man actually cried “Justice!” when he came. Practically purring in content as though the very idea of Justice itself was a person.

That night, Lisa left unsatisfied, disturbed, and with nightmares for weeks following.

Of course, in order to chase away those terrible memories, she went out and found her another new experience. And where better to look than Tousen’s best friend, Komamura Sajin? Who, by the way, is a very big boy. After Sajin, not only did Lisa rarely think about Tousen again, but she discovered a new liking for the feeling of fur against her bare skin. It was so soft and silky.

Somewhere in there, Lisa remembers a few good times with Shiba Kaien, too. Both before and after he was married, the latter including a very titillating threesome involving his wife. It was Kaien’s birthday present. Frankly, Lisa was surprised that Shiba Miyako, who always seemed so prim and proper, was such a freak in the bed.

Sasakibe Choujirou and sex with him is all the proof that Lisa needs that not only are older men hot as hell but just as good in bed as younger men. Not only that, he was kinky. And in a very hot way. He suggested that they dress up in period clothing, old English outfits. And Lisa found the contrast between all the lace and strings and ruffles that covered every inch of her skin and the dirty things his fingers could do to her to be very arousing indeed. Especially when he bent her over the bed and they fucked as fully-clothed as possible, only the necessary body parts revealed.

In that same vein, Lisa vividly recalls a time spent comforting a bereaved Kuchiki Ginrei not long after the death of his wife. Lisa was curious, and Ginrei was a lonely, old man with a very talented tongue. Seriously, he made her toes curl even now.

By contrast, Kurotsuchi Mayuri only stood out in her memories because he was such a lousy lay. The both of them – she and Kurotsuchi –found the whole affair to be dull and tedious. He’s an attractive man beneath the make up and the psychoses, but it’s an experience neither she nor he plan to repeat. Ever.

Muguruma Kensei is probably one of Lisa’s more fond memories. Simply because he was the only man secure enough to let Lisa fuck him. Literally. Remembering that night still gives her goosebumps. And sometimes, when she catches his eye across the family dinner table, she knows he’s thinking about it, too. She’s pretty damn sure that he’d be up for a repeat performanc. And well, Lisa wouldn’t turn him down either. She still has her strap-on after all. Just waiting to be used again.

Also among her fellow Vizard, Lisa had a quite exhausting experience with Mashiro. Interested in trying women and experimenting, Lisa made suggestions to Mashiro, who practically squealed in glee. And later, Lisa would comment that having sex with her was like fucking a battery or the Energizer Bunny. Mashiro just kept going and going and going. And in the end, Lisa – the queen of sex and all things sex related – was the one exhausted.

Love was interesting because he’d wanted to switch things up by seeing what would happen if he had his mask on. And Lisa, intrigued, readily agreed. The mask made it impossible to kiss, but the feel of his reaitsu buzzing across her skin more than made up for that fact. Also, his voice sounded terribly sexy behind the mask. A raspy echo that sizzled down Lisa’s spine and made her wet between the legs.

Her partner in crime, Rose, was also very fun. They picked one of their favorite scenes from one of Lisa’s erotic manga and acted it out. With the really bad porn music and everything. She was half-surprised she could stop giggling long enough to actually get down to business. Then, Rose grabbed her, groped her, practically threw her down on the bed to rip off the goofy cheerleading outfit. And after that, the last thing on Lisa’s mind was giggling.

Hachi, however, was one of the best. Sometimes, even more than Isshin. Aside from the fact that big boys need love too, Lisa was quick to understand just why having a kidoh specialist for a lover was a damn good thing indeed. He had talented hands and fingers, but more than that, Hachi had also developed some very interesting sex-related techniques that combined reaitsu and kidoh and left her tingling and sighing for days thereafter.

Hachi is one conquest that Lisa keeps returning to over and over, especially when she is in need of a good night’s sleep. He exhausts her, turns her muscles to jelly, and his body heat is so comfortable. And well, the specially designed sex kidoh is a definite plus.

Of course, tied up in all of Lisa’s successes are her various failures as well. Those she hadn’t managed to convince and those she never tried at all.

Like Yamamoto-soutaichou. Not only is he older than dirt and possibly mankind itself, but the man has a fire zanpakutou. Lisa rather likes her womanly parts. She doesn’t want to worry about them burning off.

And opposite of Yamamoto-soutaichou are Kuchiki Byakuya and Ichimaru Gin. At the time Lisa was in Soul Society, both of them were far, far too young. Lisa might dabble in middle-aged men, but she wants nothing to do with kids. And now, well, Ichimaru is hand-in-hand with the devil incarnate, and Kuchiki-hime has that thing going on with Ichigo. Who is another “too young but damn she’d like to hit that in the future” name on her list.

Her captain, Kyouraku Shunsui, is another one that Lisa has never taken to bed. Strangely, she’s never asked and he’s never offered. They were always close, friends and associates, and there was understanding. Lisa often wondered if the rumors were true, if her captain was as phenomenal in bed as gossip claimed. But she never acted on her curiosity. And while her captain always flirted with her, it never hinted to more. Oddly, Lisa liked things that way.

Ukitake Jyuushiro, on the other hand, was someone Lisa regretted never getting the chance to taste. Imagining those centuries’ worth of experience often made her hot all over. A frustration that was often worked out on someone else. But Jyuushiro is still too old-fashioned, only willing to take someone to bed if it meant something more than a fling. Not necessarily marriage and kids and all that jazz, but at least something more than a one night stand.


Of course, who could forget Hirako Shinji? The man who never set so much as a finger in Lisa’s bed and prides himself on that fact. Of course, now that she considers him the father/uncle/big brother she never had, Lisa has no intentions of stripping Shinji down to find all the goodies underneath his snazzy clothes. Regardless of what rumors she may’ve heard about his tongue and the piercing on it.

In the interest of expanding her experiences with women, Lisa also once made a single, disastrous play for Soifon. But since Lisa was not dark-skinned, golden-eyed, purple-haired and carrying the tendency to turn into a black cat, Lisa pretty much didn’t exist to Soifon. Which is such a disappointment because if Lisa had managed to convince Soifon, she probably would’ve been able to convince Yoruichi. And from there would have been a threesome of every (straight) young man’s fantasy.

Ah, but for chances missed and wasted.

So yes, Lisa likes to keep her options open. She has her eyes set on a few nicely ripened fruits now that the war practically over and everyone is filled with “yay, we survived! Let’s have sex” pheromones. That redheaded, tattooed brat from the sixth division is looking mighty tasty these days. As is the blond vice-captain from the third now that the shadows are gone from his eyes. Kensei’s little admirer has grown into a rather tempting delight. And well, someone has to treat Hitsugaya for the man he is rather than the little kid everyone sees.

There’s a whole Gotei 13 that’s ripe for the taking. And now that the Vizard can return to Soul Society at their leisure – not that they are in any hurry – Lisa can sample the new delicacies to her liking.

Of course, her ultimate goal is to catch Ichigo and Byakuya in flagrante delicto. With video and everything.

But Lisa’s willing to start small until she reaches that end. In fact, she distinctly remembers hearing something about a certain member of the seventh division in desperate need of being cured of his virginity.

Oh, goody. One of her specialties.


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